Letter to Cupid

Dear Cupid...
Seeing as how it is but a few days from that most acursed day over which you preside, I thought that I might extend an epistle in supplication for my most solitary status. I have been a very good guy this year (not like you gave me any other choice), and therefore feel that I am entitled to a February 14 unladen by jealously and untainted by melancholy meditations.


I know that in sixth grade I did not respond to that chain letter - the one that promised eternal damnation of my love life if I did not send it to five other unsuspecting friends - and that is why you have cursed me thus. But now I ask, is this really necessary?
Oh, cruel, cruel fate, how far whilst thy memory extend?


First, I would beseech that a rare strain of floral virus would smite every flower in the world, leaving none to be given to all the girls are not dating me (umm i think that includes all of them), to be carried about school and brandished in my face.
Then I would have the FDA declare Helium an extremely dangerous element, therefore removing all the festive heart-shaped ballons. Then I would have animal rights activists protest the sale of stuffed animals, leaving no cute little pink teddy bears to be carried about and announced as
"this is what my wonderful sweet and really hot boyfriend gave me for Valentines Day... like totally!"


Finally, do you think you could arrange for a Puritan dictatorship to overtake the government,
just for this one day? Then, whenever all those cute adorable couples that do not involve me are walking around being cute and adorable, Goodwife Gertrude would swoop down upon them, screaming
"SIN!!! Pray for your SOULS, you miserable SINNERS!!! Away to the stocks with ye!"
And then Ron and Eileen will be locked away in chains, to serve as the target of the barrage of decayed produce hurled from my righteous hand, and I will laugh, me ha ha!!!

Yours sincerely...
prematura

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